Books! Best weapons in the world!

When I was a lad in 1906, I joined a band of Bolsheviks. I read the Manifesto and Das Kapital, and I even learnt to sing the Internationale.

I need to get over them; they’ve gotten over me long ago probably. However, I don’t want to just forget or disregard them and our past because I need to learn from our relationship to see what went right and what went wrong so I know how to become a better person, also I still deeply care about them. When I think of our past, I am simultaneously torturing myself until I am full of despair and giving myself joyful hope to not despair. Some of my memories of our past make me feel my worst, while others make me feel my best. Seeing a doctor about antidepressants sooner would be fantastic….

I wish I had a life, with a job and at least one close friend, for then I would not feel so compelled to make nearly as many dreary posts as I have lately; I would be able to forget some of my depressing thoughts through work and I would be able to express my thoughts and feelings to my friend. I’m terribly apprehensive to the idea of possibly going to therapy, but it does seem to help to openly tell another what you’ve gone through and what you are going through. Unfortunately, I have to wait a little over a week just to see a doctor about taking antidepressants. But what’s one week when I’ve been dealing with my depression for many years? I wish things were better….

Even more late night brooding because I can’t sleep due to reminiscing about the most endearing person I’ve ever been lucky enough to sleep beside: I’m reminded now of when I was fired from the first coffee shop we both worked at, and how I was surprisingly sad at potentially never seeing, hearing, or getting letters from you again even though we were back then just friendly acquaintances. Well, it’s significantly sadder now. It was a bit over two months later that I saw you again (there seems to be something about being apart for two months, though really I’m just wishing we are miraculously reunited in about that long, but I truly doubt it since you likely haven’t even thought of me in ages unless negatively, let alone look at this insignificant blog). Now for my second attempt at sleep….

nohself:

aha ha dONT imagine your crush laying next to you in bed making small sleepy noises just dont

(via comradechrisman)

Late night brooding: I just realised our last kiss was very much like the one we had about a year ago then before I moved away for a couple months, it felt as though we knew we would be back together eventually. Now two months after our last kiss and, unlike a year ago, we won’t likely be reunited, let alone talking. I have a lot to learn about the last year, one lesson that isn’t nearly as important as the others may be to treat every kiss as though it may be your last, which could go further to treat every parting, or even every moment in general as though it may be your last. I feel crushed, and rightfully so. Time to try to sleep (I have been getting atrocious sleep for two months straight)….

I wish I savored our last moments together more, especially our last cuddle, hug, and kiss, they just didn’t feel like they would actually be our last….

The Smiths - Hand in Glove

But I know my luck too well
Yes, I know my luck too well
And I’ll probably never see you again
I’ll probably never see you again
I’ll probably never see you again

I used to idiotically think that reassuring a partner that you wouldn’t be upset if they met someone else they wanted to be with more and left meant you were not possessive. But being possessive and objectifying another can occur even when one genuinely reassures their partner of the above, and in many tiny, subtle ways, including by being clingy to the point where one becomes invasive about their partner’s life.

I have no one to obsess over the new Doctor Who series with anymore….